she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
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I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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