his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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