"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
