did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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