so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
