when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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