he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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