she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
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There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
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Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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