why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
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