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fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
