I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
