My balls are so social today.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
