Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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