i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
