I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
