He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
