There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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