my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I have demons in me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
