when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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