i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
