I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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