TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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