ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
