and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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