Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I will pee on everything he values.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
