it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
