Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
