I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
two words: eviction party
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
