i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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