well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
