Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
