I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
