so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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