i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
