I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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