Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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