Pappa wants mamma naked
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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