If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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