got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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