it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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