The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
