I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
