it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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