you turned your livingroom into a bong?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
