Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
