Just fell off a train. Bad.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i came on her dog
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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