Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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