I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
