i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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