quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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