Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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