we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
