no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
