The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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