my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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