oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
