There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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