My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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