Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
