I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
then he tried to convert me to islam
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
